She is All I Need

My room is a mess.  There are dirty clothes in a corner, booze bottles on the floor, a section of my bed is a permanent home for clothes "to be ironed."  There are three bags full of props next to the radiator.  My desk barely has enough room for my laptop with all the random pamphlets on it.

I like to have a bit of alcohol.  I procrastinate on homework.  I sometimes stay up till 5 or 6am playing a video game.  I am perpetually dehydrated.  I believe in Notre Dame.  My faith is important to me (even if I don't always know what I believe).  I like to wrap a plush blanket around me and watch tv.  I like to listen to people.  I subsequently get paranoid that people think I'm boring when I don't talk.  I like to wax philosophical.  I speak through musical quotes.

I got called a cute yank last night by a very attractive girl who has been flirting with me for a week now.  I think she's been flirting anyways.  Of course, I'm not even sure if she's single.  Should I even be pursuing her?

In a drunken state at 4am, I had a chat about the cute girl with my first Ireland crush and her (new?) boyfriend.  All the thoughts I had been having about Ireland and life just kind of spilled out.  How humanity is universal.  How I need to be true to myself.  I have a bad habit of trying to blend in with the group I'm in so I don't stick out or otherwise feel alienated.  Which is bad when I'm talking about things that are important like God or abortion or who I am.

I tend to get girl crazy.  Especially when someone likes me.  I psych myself out.  I deny my own feelings in favor of getting with the girl.  A touch, a look, a kiss, a sound, a smile.  Flitting things, insubstantial, empty things.  But what my heart really aches for... To be appreciated by someone beautiful.  To say: you are loved because you are.

Maybe if I drink, I won't be afraid to seek love.  I won't be afraid to make the move.  Ah, but how empty the chest feels after the moment passes.

I tend towards order, towards control.  Legacy of my parents, for better or for worse.  I see things in a different way, no object escapes me.  But it is not human to always sterilize life.  This is why I love when chaos thrusts into my life.  Theater, friends, Ireland, rum, chemistry, football, girls, God.  I am fully alive when people are challenging me, forcefully removing me from my comfort zone.