I'll Never Know

They're only words.

But they're all that I need.

~

I've grown so much.  I know myself so much better.  But I have so much to learn.

This year is forcing me to become tougher.  A tougher student. A tougher engineer.  

A smarter friend.  A smarter man.

~

I will never have that unshakable faith.  But I can have unshakable love.  Perhaps one day they can become one and the same.  Maybe I'm not as far off as I think.

~

Today I said something was impossible.  I should never have said that, even as a joke.  Nothing is impossible.  For God, nothing is impossible.  Therefore, for man, nothing is impossible.

~

Nothing is true.  Everything is permitted.

What am I waiting for?

All things are connected.

I'd Give It All For You - Songs For A New World

A dream

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

- Cameron, Modern Family

She is All I Need

My room is a mess.  There are dirty clothes in a corner, booze bottles on the floor, a section of my bed is a permanent home for clothes "to be ironed."  There are three bags full of props next to the radiator.  My desk barely has enough room for my laptop with all the random pamphlets on it.

I like to have a bit of alcohol.  I procrastinate on homework.  I sometimes stay up till 5 or 6am playing a video game.  I am perpetually dehydrated.  I believe in Notre Dame.  My faith is important to me (even if I don't always know what I believe).  I like to wrap a plush blanket around me and watch tv.  I like to listen to people.  I subsequently get paranoid that people think I'm boring when I don't talk.  I like to wax philosophical.  I speak through musical quotes.

I got called a cute yank last night by a very attractive girl who has been flirting with me for a week now.  I think she's been flirting anyways.  Of course, I'm not even sure if she's single.  Should I even be pursuing her?

In a drunken state at 4am, I had a chat about the cute girl with my first Ireland crush and her (new?) boyfriend.  All the thoughts I had been having about Ireland and life just kind of spilled out.  How humanity is universal.  How I need to be true to myself.  I have a bad habit of trying to blend in with the group I'm in so I don't stick out or otherwise feel alienated.  Which is bad when I'm talking about things that are important like God or abortion or who I am.

I tend to get girl crazy.  Especially when someone likes me.  I psych myself out.  I deny my own feelings in favor of getting with the girl.  A touch, a look, a kiss, a sound, a smile.  Flitting things, insubstantial, empty things.  But what my heart really aches for... To be appreciated by someone beautiful.  To say: you are loved because you are.

Maybe if I drink, I won't be afraid to seek love.  I won't be afraid to make the move.  Ah, but how empty the chest feels after the moment passes.

I tend towards order, towards control.  Legacy of my parents, for better or for worse.  I see things in a different way, no object escapes me.  But it is not human to always sterilize life.  This is why I love when chaos thrusts into my life.  Theater, friends, Ireland, rum, chemistry, football, girls, God.  I am fully alive when people are challenging me, forcefully removing me from my comfort zone. 

Famous Last Words

I don't know what you're talking about, being under the cloak of alcohol is awesome.  You can ignore your loneliness and seek intimacy without all that annoying vulnerability.  Your heart is nice and safe inside your coat of inebriation.  Maybe if I drink more I'll feel better.  Or maybe I'll just be drunk all the time to avoid those nasty side effects of life.

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Caught myself saying "If only you were different."  Not a good sign.  She's cute.  But there just isn't that chemistry...  I'll give it a few more days, maybe try to see her outside of rehearsal.  ND has spoiled me I think.

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I have a bad memory it's true.  But it doesn't take much for my heart to remember things.  I think it would take 15, 20 minutes tops in their present to remember why I love the people I do in my life.

Educating both the Mind and the Heart

Things I don't like to do:
Memorize numbers and facts.
Listen to professors rant about economics.
Do excessive amounts of computations.
Derive useless equations.

Things I like to do:
Make order in seeming chaos.
Create something out of nothing.
Be God's hands in the world.
Make human life on Earth more perfect.

There is poetry, beauty, and love in what I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it.

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And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free - Pippin

Unlimited. Together we're unlimited - Wicked

It takes two - Into the Woods

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What Makes You Beautiful

Just having my first major freak out about going to Ireland and leaving behind Notre Dame and what my life is going to to be like at Cornell and beyond.  No big deal.  And I'm having flashbacks of every moment I can remember in my life.  Which is actually quite a lot.  I've been through a lot of crazy random shit.  And I keep remembering more and more.  A lot of stuff that's awesome and a lot of stuff that I can't forget even if I wanted to.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep now...

Pray for me, maybe?

Want to believe

She is Love