Not Broken

I guess what pains me the most is that we care about each other so much but we still harbor so much negative emotion towards each other.  Can't we just focus on what matters?

I love you.

Hallelujah

Thank you for making me imperfect.  That way I am always seeking your perfection.  As long as you walk by me, anything is possible. 

Midnight

At midnight, I lit a candle at the grotto.

I was surprised by how filled the grotto was with candles.  It was incredible to imagine all the freshmen and parents who had stopped by the grotto to pray for themselves and others.  It was a place filled with love.

Seeing the beautiful lights inspired an idea.  I had been pondering all weekend what my senior year should be about.  I think I've finally decided.  Perhaps it should be about love.  A beautiful way to end my four years at Notre Dame.  It will no doubt be a challenge but being loving is goal worthy of a Notre Dame student. 

Who knows where love will lead me?

Fearless

Notre Dame.  Home of the Fighting Irish.

These past two days have been revitalizing, dear friends.  First, a successful rehearsal and day spent wandering campus.  Visiting friends, most of whom seemed to enjoy my presence.  Hearing the sound of the band recruits blasting our fight song.

I admit it took me a while but I found joy again.  It seems I may have forgotten what it looked like.  Perhaps the quiet summer really did take its toll on me.

But a few experiences really helped awaken me. 
The girl with no fear showed a rare moment of fright.  It reminded me of surprise and humanity. 
The songs of Notre Dame reignited my passion for this beautiful and powerful school.
The basilica helped open my heart again to God's blessing.

Today, the class of 2015 moved into campus.  And as I walked from the parking lot to South Quad, I breathed in air thick with hope, anticipation, joy, anxiety, prayers, wishes.  And I was happy.  I was ready for my last year at Notre Dame, I was ready to make this a year to remember.

Who knows what this year will be like.  With any luck, there will be academic success, friendship old and new, happy hours around the lake, romance, new experiences, exploration, theatrical projects.

All I know is that I am ready.  And I have left my fear behind.

It has been said before but freshmen often don't appreciate everything enough.  I won't make that mistake this year.  I look forward to making senior year a joy.

Ache

It's strange. People are finally returning to Notre Dame and the build up to my senior year has almost reached a climax.  But these past few days have been chiefly marked with aching.  Why? Is it because I wasn't ready for the year to begin? Am I upset about my friends arrival? Surely, not that.  Indeed, I am more excited than ever for the school year to begin.  Seeing my friends has given me nothing but joy.

At least that's what I believe.  But perhaps that's not the whole picture.

I guess my chief problem is that I have been constantly worrying.  I worry that my friends will hate me.  I worry that this show will fall apart.  I worry that I have done all the wrong things, that I have not prepared myself for this year, my career, my future.

The rain will guide me.  Just as it has always done. 

Because I love my friends.  I desperately want them to be happy even when I feel I can do nothing.

Because I desperately want the show to be a success.  To make my friends proud about their accomplishments and contributions.

Because I want to give my best to myself, and to my family, and to my little part of the world.

Love is patient. Love is kind.
 
Fear is normal, is it not? But I think fear may have taken a stronger hold over me than I am used to.  And I think I may need help to combat it.  Where should I turn to? Who should I turn to? I am paranoid at every corner, afraid that I have tarnished a friendship without knowing or meaning to. 

Nada te turbe.

My friends are incredible people.  They are tough, they are smart, they are resilient.  They will go far.  I know it.  Perhaps, the real problem is that I need to have faith.  Have faith in people.  A strange thought since I normally associate faith with God.  But maybe God is trying a different form of communication, a different method of teaching.

I must remember to listen.  To hear words. To hear looks. To hear smiles and sunlight. To hear tears and tragedy.

I will try to give you my myself.  But please don't give up on me.  I don't like to be alone.

There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
  a time to be born and a time to die,
  a time to plant and a time to uproot,
  a time to kill and a time to heal,
  a time to tear down and a time to build,
  a time to weep and a time to laugh,
  a time to mourn and a time to dance,
  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
  a time to search and a time to give up,
  a time to keep and a time to throw away,
  a time to tear and a time to mend,
  a time to be silent and a time to speak,
  a time to love and a time to hate,
  a time for war and a time for peace. 

There is a time for gears.
And there is a time for winds.